The Last Stand: Diceless Pseudo-Wargame

Caput Caprae has reminded me of a game we used to play with my brothers when I was about twelve years old, which could be considered an extremely rudimentary kind of wargame. Maybe. We have built many a fortress from LEGO and wanted to have a nice siege, but knew nothing about wargames. So we made our own. These are the rules reimagined from what I remember, because of course there were no written rules.

You only need LEGO blocks to play this game. I will refer to the block names from here.

Units:

• Soldier (1x1 Brick or 1x1 Brick, Round) is the basic unit.
• Rider is a soldier on a horse (1×2 Plate). They are better in melee.
• Hero is a soldier with a coloured cap (1×1 Plate, Round). They get superpowers.
• Catapult (1x2 Brick) allows you to use the Missile action.
• Siege tower (2+ stacked 1x2 Bricks) allows soldiers to move over bulwarks.
• Dragon (2×2 Brick) is a bit overpowered.

The rest of the blocks should be used to build forts and fortifications.

Setup:
Prepare your terrain. We usually had a carpet as the dry land, with the floor around standing for the sea. Books and boxes and whatever else you have at hand can make for nice cliffs and mountains. And of course, don't forget to prepare your LEGO castle.

Decide how many units of which kind each player will get. There were no unit prices in our game, we made up a scenario and each player would take whatever units seemed appropriate. The Last Stand actually refers to a popular scenario of ours - one player gets the castle, the other player gets a much bigger army besieging it.

On the other hand, the number of caps for heroes and mages should be about the same for all players. If you don't have enough caps for everyone to have the same choice of hero powers, then the player who will go last in turn order picks one cap, then go in reverse turn order until the desired number of caps is chosen.

The players then deploy their units at will. Once again, in a pre-made scenario, this didn't matter that much. Units cannot be attached to the bulwarks they stand on - either cover the walls in smooth tiles or put the units across the pins. We want not-so-stable, free-standing units for the Missile action.

Turns:
Determine who goes first, then players alternate turns. On your turn, take one action chosen from the following types:

1. Missile
2. Move & Melee
3. Magic

Missile

You can only take a Missile action if you have a catapult on the battlefield. You also have limited ammo per turn - we played with 2 or 3 shots, I think.

Put your hand over any of your catapults, then throw a projectile. Any unit, friend or foe, that gets knocked over is killed. If a unit is knocked back but not over, it survived. Note that units that are harder to kill in melee get no such protection against missiles, and fortifications can also be knocked down by missile fire.

Our projectiles were usually 2×2 Brick or 1×3 Brick, but sometimes we also had glass marbles or bearing balls. We never did this, but you could have several kinds of siege engines with different ammo, like making a ballista by shooting a rubber band. Or use dice as missiles.

Move & Melee

Move one group of units across the battlefield. They cannot pass through enemy units, bulwarks or castle walls, or other impassable terrain. Otherwise, you are the judge of what counts as "too far to move in a single turn". Forts and fortifications should have some access point that you can conquer. Or you can move a siege tower next to a wall, then on your next turn move your units inside. Riders and catapults, however, cannot use siege towers.

Castle gates, by the way, can only be destroyed by missile fire (don't attach the gate firmly), a Shatter spell, or by a hero with Might. We didn't use any battering rams.

When (groups of) units end up adjacent, a melee ensues. Sum up the number of kills each side achieves, then remove that many units - the resolution is simultaneous and the sides can achieve mutual wipe out.

• Each soldier causes one kill.
• Each rider kills two and takes two hits to kill. One hit alone does not cause them lasting harm.
• Heroes cause [1 + number of caps] kills and take the same number of simultaneous hits to kill. This can be further modified by their powers.
• Dragons are a bit of a special case, see below.
• Catapults and siege towers cannot attack in melee, and get "killed" in a single hit.

For example, Alice moved 2 riders and 8 soldiers next to Bob's group of 10 soldiers and a catapult. Alice gets 12 kills, Bob gets 10 kills. Bob's group is completely wiped out, while Alice keeps 1 rider.

The active player decides which units from a group (both their own and enemy) are killed, but should start from the closest units. Especially if a group of soldiers is guarding a hero or a siege tower, you cannot kill the protected unit before removing its guardians.

Magic

You can cast one spell per action by removing one cap from any of your heroes. This may cause them to become a normal soldier.

• Berserk: The hero's group deals double damage until the end of your next turn.
• Protection: The hero's group cannot be harmed until the start of your next turn. If the units are knocked down by a missile, they must be restored to their original positions.
• Curse: Choose a player to curse. If the cursed player wants to use a Missile action on their next turn, they have to do so blind.
• Brambles: Choose a player; their units cannot Move & Melee on their next turn.
• Fear: Move an enemy group of units.
• Construct: Build and place a new structure somewhere near the hero. For example, a ramp to the castle walls.
• Shatter: Remove (a part of) a structure.
• Summon: Deploy a new group of units. The group is placed around the hero. You may not add more units than you had at the start of the game, so either you have kept some in reserve, or you are summoning the reanimated bodies of your dead soldiers.

Heroes:
Heroes get superpowers (in addition to the Magic action), denoted by the colour or shape of their cap.

• Might: Counts as a catapult and may destroy structures by attacking them.
• Shield: Cannot be killed by missiles or magic. If the unit is knocked down by a missile, it must be restored to its original position.
• Immortal: When killed, remove one of their caps and re-deploy them at the end of your next turn.
• Assassin: Can scale walls and terrain, so can Move pretty much anywhere on the table.

By the way, you can put a hero on horseback for that extra bit of power.

You can also make fun hero combination like an immortal assassin - move them behind enemy lines to kill a valuable unit in melee, and though as a lone unit they will be killed, they will just come back for another assassination.

Dragons:
Dragons are like heroes on magical steroids. They can fly (as Assassin) and use fire breath (as Might). They also kill 10 units in melee and have to be hit by 10 units simultaneously to die*. They can also be ridden by a hero.

*) I think. I don't remember the exact number, but it was something like this.
 

The Square Kingdom of South America prepares for battle...

 

...with the hundred heroes of the Round Realm...

  

...who serve the accursed Skull Titan...

 

...while the immortal Dragon Queen of Africa
watches from afar, ready to pounce on the weakened winner.

The Orb of Wishing

This might be one of the most fun magic items I have ever given to my players:

A larger crystal orb (1 Slot) that glows with strong inner light.

When you first touch the orb, you are flooded by strange visions that paralyse you until you succeed on a Will save. Once you pass, you gain control of the orb and may channel a sliver of its power - you have three wishes. It is not possible to wish alternatingly; once somebody else gains control of the orb, you lose any of your remaining wishes and may never again control the orb.

Zuran Orb from MtG

 

So far, the players have wished to:

1. Destroy the orb's guardian, averting a looming TPK.
2. Cure 50 years of unnatural ageing.
3. Regrow both hands of one unlucky companion.
4. Be cured of all ills. (Said character was severely injured and double-cursed.)
5. Become rich. (Wish pending completion, wait for the next session.)
6. Be young forever.
7. Grant human speech to their dog companion.
8. Resurrect a long-dead scientist for his lost knowledge.
9. Cure a fatal anaphylactic shock. (On the same character who had previously lost both of his hands...)

These wishes are in no way a monkey's paw. They follow the spirit of the request and sometimes even go a bit further, when the wording of the wish would needlessly weaken its beneficial effect. And yet my players are already paranoid, carefully planning on what to do with their effectively unlimited wishes. But are they truly unlimited? Who can they trust with the power of the orb, once everyone in the party has had their wishes granted? How can they compel anybody to wish for them? What if a word gets out? The schemes are piling up and up and up.

I must thank Skerples and Archon for the idea of giving the players a campaign-wrecking item early on and letting them loose. It is working gloriously.

Mythic Weapons

I love the idea of specialist weapons and how this is used in Mythic Bastionland. Here are d100 such weapons.

 

by Wayne Reynolds

 

This weapon is...

1. a sword
2. an axe
3. a bludgeon
4. a polearm
5. flexible
6. unusual
7. ranged
8. tricked-out

...and deals +d10 damage...

1. in a duel
2. in a battle formation
3. in a cramped space
4. in a wide-open space
5. in the first round of combat
6. in defence of (d4) innocents/the ruling class/secrets and lies/your home
7. in pursuit of (d4) knowledge/forgiveness/renown/revenge
8. in untamed wilderness
9. in water
10. in pitch darkness
11. at night
12. while in (d4) sun/moon/twi/candlelight
13. while at full hp
14. while at 0 hp
15. while bleeding or injured
16. while leaping or falling
17. while above your foe
18. while below your foe
19. while the foe is in their home
20. while the foe has attacked you first
21. while lavishly clad
22. while near-naked
23. while masked
24. while mounted
25. while music is playing
26. while singing
27. while praying, loudly
28. while leading a charge
29. while mocking your foe
30. while already dead
31. while possessed
32. while (d4) hungry/filthy/drunk/blinded
33. when outnumbered
34. when also using a shield
35. vs people with a shield
36. vs people with no shield
37. vs people with no helmet
38. vs people wielding a one-handed weapon
39. vs people wielding a two-handed weapon
40. vs people wielding no weapon
41. vs mounts
42. vs mounted
43. vs armoured
44. vs unarmoured
45. vs known liars
46. vs known debtors
47. vs oath-brakers
48. vs law-breakers
49. vs law-enforcers
50. vs warriors by trade
51. vs magic-users
52. vs sword-wielders
53. vs virgins
54. vs nobles (+2d10 vs royalty)
55. vs women and children
56. vs friends and family
57. vs wild animals
58. vs animal people and talking animals
59. vs humans (50% chance of only a specific ethnic)
60. vs demi-humans (50% chance of only a specific ethnic)
61. vs greenskins (50% chance of only a specific ethnic)
62. vs elves and plants
63. vs dwarves and fungi
64. vs creatures smaller than you are
65. vs creatures larger than you are
66. vs creatures of magic
67. vs creatures of darkness
68. vs the Dark Ones
69. vs celestial spirits
70. vs terrestrial spirits
71. vs chthonic spirits
72. vs infernal spirits
73. vs undead
74. vs dragons
75. vs constructs
76. vs man-made monstrosities
77. vs extradimensional horrors
78. vs unseen foes
79. vs prone foes
80. vs poisoned foes
81. vs disarmed foes
82. vs fleeing foes
83. vs superior foes
84. vs uninjured foes
85. vs bleeding or injured foes
86. vs the sick and the deformed
87. vs flying creatures
88. vs aquatic creatures
89. vs summoned creatures
90. vs scaled creatures
91. vs horned or antlered creatures
92. vs shelled or boney creatures
93. vs poisonous or venomous creatures
94. vs many-limbed creatures
95. vs a foe you have already battled before
96. vs a foe that has wronged you
97. vs one specific nemesis from your backstory
98. vs those whose full name you know
99. vs those you have broken bread with
100. vs your employer

Handkerchief of Holding

As my current campaign is nearing its end, I would like to share the contents of the party's "hankie of holding", their portable hole, after seventy-something sessions. As a bonus, it is nearly a d100 table.

 

I love Munchkin.

1. A bronze prosthetic arm. Once grafted, the hand can be shot out on a chain (30 ft) and controlled even when extended.
2. A golden coin with a lightning-like emblem
3. Silver coins with a runic cobra emblem, 4
4. Half of a treasure map
5. Hand mirror and comb, both embellished with dragon motives
6. Chess table, heavily scratched
7. Chess pieces, magical, missing a white pawn
8. Bottles of aged wine, 10
9. Lots of dirty books, to be sorted
10. A book titled "A Practical Guide to the World of Little Fairies: All Fey from the Thumb-Sized Sprites to the Exceptionally Large Toddler-Like Gnomes", in Elvish
11. A book titled "Balalán: The Myth, the Legend", badly translated into Hinnish
12. A book titled "Ley Lines 201", in High Imperial
13. A book titled "Being a God", in Dark Speech
14. A book titled "Getting Started with the Undead", in Dark Speech
15. A book titled "Conversations on Primordial Magic", in Dark Speech
16. A book titled "Magical Batteries in Theory and in Practice", in Dark Speech
17. A book titled "Biomancy and Biokinetics: An Exposé", in Dark Speech
18. A book titled "Of Beateous Peoples and their Mist-Shrouded Isles", in Elvish
19. A book titled "A Dragon Tale A Day", in Draconic
20. A lexicon of trollish runes
21. A book titled "How to Quickly and Easily Exterminate the Dark Ones", written in an eclectic mix of Draconic, Hinnish and Thieves' Cant, but using exclusively trollish runes. A thousand page tome written by a harengon alchemist who was often described as stark raving mad. It seems he truly was. His entire magnum opus is built on the unwavering assumption that the Dark Ones are physiologically and psychologically identical to the common household rat. On the other hand, it does contain a few genuinely excellent alchemical recipes for rat poisons.
22. A book titled "The Triune Divinity: Two Truths and a Lie", in Low Imperial
23. A book titled "All the Drugs and their Effects: A First Hand Testimony", in Elvish. Authored by Tamlin Nerri, with a hand-written inscription reading: "To my dear friend Tardinal, with platonic kisses always yours, Tamlin". The prose is passable, but feels like the author was high the whole time.
24. A huge tome bound in black leather; its title "The Aristocrats" is emblazoned in tiny letters on the spine. Still chained to a wooden lectern.
25. Bag of 1771 gold pieces and 50 silver pieces
26. Rope, 15 yards
27. Pieces of a shattered jade statue, 5
28. Silvered letter opener
29. Four of diamonds, chewed up
30. Saxophone
31. Torches, 14
32. Tinderboxes, 3
33. Underdark spices, 2 doses
34. Gel of regeneration, 2 doses
35. SuperSunScreen™, 3 doses. Offers resistance to radiant damage and protection from sun-based vulnerabilities for 8 hours.
36. Depetrification salve, half a dose
37. Decontamination pills, 2
38. Elixir of invulnerability
39. Potion of death ward
40. Potion of lesser healing, 2
41. Potion of lesser restoration, 3
42. Potion of maximum power, 2
43. Vial of poison, unidentified
44. Vial of holy water
45. Vial of silver dust
46. Truth serum, 4 doses
47. Pipe weed, 14 doses
48. Black lotus, 3 doses
49. Shadow fairy dust, 3 doses
50. Clean change of clothes
51. Crowbar
52. Hammer
53. Pick-axe
54. Wooden stake
55. Body pillow, stolen from the Antling Citadel
56. Longsword
57. Manacles
58. Spell scroll, empty
59. Spell scroll, Guards and Wards
60. Spell book, shot through
61. Mithril plate armour, shot through
62. Cloak and feathered cap with a monogram "H.M." (Hubert Malévol)
63. Signet ring of the Malévols, their chalice has been defaced with crude scratches imitating thorny brambles
64. Box warded against magical radiation
65. Egg that summons a purple worm when crushed
66. An enchanted quill that writes down what you dictate
67. A tea set, magical
68. Herbal tea, 10 doses
69. Black tea, 10 doses
70. Violet tea, 3 doses
71. Blue tea, 4 doses
72. Fairy dragon coffee, 2 doses. When drunk, the drinker's speed is tripled, they have +5 AC, an advantage on Dexterity saving throws, and gain +2 Actions. In the next round, however, the character loses their Action and suffers one level of Exhaustion.
73. Wood infused with god-power, 1 cord
74. Backpack, embroidered with "❤️ From Mum"
75. Food rations, 2
76. Slingshot
77. Basilisk tooth dagger, counts as +3 against stony creatures
78. A magical staff made from a gnarled branch, with a crystal set into its tip. It is wrapped in several layers of cloth and carefully bound, with a tag reading: "Warning, cursed item. Do not touch!" and "Seriously, don't touch it. It's not worth it." handwritten beneath it. When a magic-capable character touches the staff, they are dematerialized and imprisoned within the crystal. A character trapped inside the crystal can still see and hear the outside. They may expend a spell slot to materialize for a number of hours equal to the spell slot's level, but once that time expires, they dematerialize again and, regardless of distance, are instantly drawn back into the crystal. Any number of characters may be imprisoned within the crystal.
79. A black iron quarterstaff. Requires attunement by a spellcaster and serves as a spellcasting focus. While wielding the staff, the bearer: a) Has resistance to fire and necrotic damage. b) Gains the Hellish Rebuke spell. c) Whenever they cast a spell that deals fire or necrotic damage, they may suffer one level of Exhaustion to make that spell automatically deal maximum damage.
80. A demonic cup. When filled with fresh innocent blood, allows communion with any demon whose true name you know.
81. Tears of Irias, 2. Pearls that allow communion in dreams when swallowed.
82. Uniform of Irias' personal guard. Black with yellow decorations and a faceless mask.
83. Uniform of Xiximanter's army officer. Black with emerald and orange embellishments.
84. Stolen suitcase of viscount Lucius Malévol. Filled with frilly clothes, plus 122 gold in a pouch.
85. Golden medallion bearing the visage of a sleeping elf princess, wrapped in Malévol's silken undies
86. Scroll case with the maps of Xiximanter's military headquarters, thaumic bomb factory and the sewers of Balalán
87. Wine bottle filled with the antimagic blood of Eldjárn Wrixling, 2 doses
88. A fragile glass sphere filled with vitriolic acid
89. Shadowy copies of a fistful of jewelry
90. Lard
91. A cursed short sword of the plague. Every successful hit applies the Contagion spell, but the curse has a harmful effect on any wielder not immune to diseases. Such wielder must, at the end of each battle, succeed on a Constitution saving throw or be afflicted with a random disease as per that spell.
92. Simple gold stud earrings. Once both are put on, a strange curse takes effect - the wearer cannot remove the earrings without the Remove Curse spell, and at the same time becomes incorporeal. They remain normally visible, only slightly translucent.
93. Brooch of beauty. The bearer is covered by a permanent illusion that functions like a makeup, concealing any imperfections in appearance - undeath, mutations, etc.